Thursday, March 1, 2012

Audit #1

As promised... I am reviewing my progress in meeting my New Year's Resolutions. I toyed with the idea of not even bothering with this post, but realized that to not follow through on the checkpoint I set would be as bad (if not worse) as not meeting my resolutions...

Which I haven't, by the way...

It's horrible, really--I set fairly basic goals for myself: cooking once a week, working out several times a week, writing several times a week...

In the past two months, I have:

-Cooked once (made stir-fry!)
-Worked out once (not even a work-out, really--I played basketball and volleyball with friends)
-Written less than 3 times a week on average

What's more, I've felt more stressed, been irritable and tired, shown a consistent lack of patience and grace.

Worst of all, I feel as though I've drifted from God. This hasn't been an active "stick it to the man" thing so much as its been me keeping myself too busy and preoccupied to spend substantial time in prayer. Scripture reading has become mechanical and I rarely take time to meditate on what I've read.

I don't want this. My heart is so stupid and uncooperative sometimes and my head knows it. Unfortunately, my head trying to desire God on its own is something like a blind man drawing a map of the major train lines in Tokyo for a lost tourist.

So, results of this audit:
Yes, I'm pitiful in my inability to meet the standards I set for myself... but this month is not going to be about trying to start working out, cooking or writing regularly (though I won't actively resist doing those things). This month must be about reconnecting with my LORD and Savior on a heart-level, not just on a "I read my Bible and pray everyday therefore I'm a Christian"-level.

My prayer is like that of John Donne's: "Batter my heart, O three-personed God!" Invade. Conquer. Remove all distractions, all excuses, all pretenses. I'm a busy person, but I need to live out the truth that there's not a single task I have that trumps my relationship with you.


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