Saturday, July 7, 2012


"At last, we meet again... Ganon, king of thieves!"

I am Link, the hero of time, and I have scaled snow-capped mountains, fought through dark forests and crossed a treacherous ravine high above unforgiving rapids to reach this moment, this showdown to end all showdowns.

The beast Ganon lifts his head, tongue lolling obscenely, and a taunting sneer curls his lips, revealing yellow fangs.  This intimidates me, but I approach, unwilling to let the fear conquer me.

"You have stolen the mythical Triforce for the last time, you vile pig monster.  Now draw your weapon, and meet your maker!" I draw the legendary Master Sword and brandish it.

Our 10-year old Belgian Terveuren, Tango, is not amused by the sight of her 8-year old master yelling at her and waving around a dull machete, so she trots past me and back through the stream that I just put so much effort into crossing.

"Ohoho, a coward, are we?  Come back and fight like a man!" I call after the slovenly beast, who has beat a hasty retreat and somehow cleared the ravine in 5 seconds.

"Probably dark magic from the Triforce of Power", I mutter to myself.

I have no option but to give chase.  I sprint along the ravine to the rickety rope bridge that spans the chasm, and deciding that this is no time for caution, I bound across the bridge, which sways and creaks uncertainly below me.  Far below, I can hear the rushing of the rapids, warning the brave and inviting the foolish.

The logs that I had placed across the shallow stream are, unfortunately, more IN the water than they are over the water and are, as a result, somewhat slippery.

"GAAAH!" I'm nearly across the bridge when the rope snaps under the pressure of my footfall and for a brief, sickening moment, I am in free-fall...

Then, I catch a shrub that was, most fortuitously, jutting from the otherwise bare rock-face and I climb the cliff quickly, finding the right foot-holds and hand-holds on the first try.  Hoisting myself back onto solid ground, I spy the retreating form of the despicable Ganon disappearing behind a bend in the path ahead.  

"Stop in the name of the law of Hyrule!" I bellow, and decide that this is the time for a new strategy.  I sheath the legendary blade and take my bow from across my back.  Deftly, I draw an arrow from the quiver, string it, and pulling back the arrow, I aim high above the tree line.  I adjust, noting that the wind seems to be strong today.  If my aim is true, I will stop Ganon in his hideous tracks, and have done away with the shroud of evil that has darkened the land as of late.

My bow-string is made of slightly too much barn twine, and is not at all taut.  The arrow that I'd made by whittling a point onto the straightest twig I could find in the woods falls lamely to the ground at my feet.

"Drat!  I've misfired.  That never happens--it's dark sorcery, that's what it is.  Curse you, Ganon!  Curse you from the dizzying heights of Death Mountain to the bowels of the underworld from whence you came!"

I search my pack for a tool that might just save the day... surely there must be something that I have forgotten.

"YES!  PEGASUS BOOTS!" I exclaim, retrieving the fabled footwear from my pack.  The Pegasus Boots endow the wearer with extraordinary speed.  

Using more barn-twine, I tie two cardboard wings to my muddy rubber boots and begin to run as fast as I can.

I feel as though I am flying, that my feet are like the hoofs of the winged-horse of myth.  Except, the myth has been born into glorious reality on this day, as the boots carry me swiftly across a journey that had taken oh, so many days to make the first time.  The terrain changes below me, from cliff, to moss, to marsh, to sand, to field... and then, in front of me:

"GANON!" I gasp, coming to a sudden, yet graceful halt.

Tango lazily walks in a small circle three times, and then plops down on the grass for a nap.  

The beast teeters, and collapses before my eyes.  As its bulk hits the surface of the earth, a mighty quake rocks everything around me, but when the shaking stops--stillness.  Perhaps it was the chase did him in.  Perhaps it was fear of the legendary blade, or the wrath of my bow.  Perhaps it was the power of the seven sages.  One thing, and one alone is clear: I have defeated the beast; I have defeated Ganon!

I draw my blade and wave it in the air triumphantly.

"Long live Hyrule!" I shout, and the sky seems to clear all of a sudden, the despair and gloom lifting with the demise of the grotesque Ganon.  I sheath the blade for what may be the last time and the giant, revolting carcass of Ganon disappears in a puff of smoke.  When the smoke clears, I spy the fair Princess Zelda, waking from her enchanted slumber.  I kneel before the princess.

"M'lady.  I have slain the ferocious monster, Ganon, and freed Hyrule from the grips of evil.  I do not ask for anything in return, no reward, no land, no kiss.  My sole request is that you rule with justice and with goodness."

Tango, who seems relieved that her new role involves no yelling or machete-waving, licks my face forcefully, and with no shortage of slobber.

I withdraw, revolted. 

"Uggh, Princess!  I said 'NO KISS!'"

The End.  Because it was dinner-time and I had to go inside.

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