Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Thoughts on a hot August afternoon...

Confession: I have a very tough time living in the moment. As long as I can remember, I've spent most of my life looking forward to something other than whatever was happening at any given time: it could've been anticipation of something small like a party or dinner with friends, or as large as graduating from college. The point is, I struggle to be content with where I am now. I know how good I have it; I'm so very aware of the immense blessings in my life and yet despite myself I can't help but ask "what next?" There are moments when this thought totally evaporates from my mind (!/note.php?note_id=10150185016590332), but I'll admit that it usually happens randomly and not by my own attempts.

I'm in an interesting position this year. I've been at CAJ for 2 and a half years now and till only recently, the "what next" question has persisted in my mind (particularly last year where I was starting to think about going back to school for my Master's). Over the course of the last few months, I've felt convicted to stop asking this question and let God's will be done in my life, whatever that might mean. For now, I feel called to stay at CAJ. I'm happy here, enriched and energized by my work here.

This feeling of permanence is new to me--I've never been in a situation in my life where there wasn't some visible expiration date, some moment on the calendar that I could circle and say "this is when I move on". And still my mind keeps coming back to "what next?" So, my challenge for myself this year is to stop asking "what next" and start asking "what now?" This place--this school community, with so many students and colleagues who I've grown to care for--this is my home at this time in my life. There's no expiration date and I'm not going to try and set one... When and if God calls me somewhere else, I'll follow... but I'm not going to pretend to know that ahead of time or force that decision. What I need to focus on now is how can I best live day to day in this setting and with these people in a way that is glorifying to the One who gives my life and my work meaning. So... what now?

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