Thursday, May 17, 2012

Fighting Through

Man, Monday was rough--I've been having my share of doubts about whether I belong here, and whether I have a future here for a while, but for some reason all of that was really intense on Monday.  Factoring in stress and exhaustion, it was a tough day.  Sometimes, it pays just to yell at something.  In my case, "yelling" meant ranting into a Pages doc and then deleting it without saving.  I don't do that often enough... it was therapeutic.  The doubts are still there, but I feel like having articulated them in writing, I am in a much better position to deal with these doubts, pray about them and move forward.  

I am usually content when I'm comfortable... and I've been pretty comfortable in my life here.  It's just... I really thought about where I'm at, who I am, how old I am, and what I realized is that I need to start thinking seriously about going back to school for graduate work and I also need to start thinking seriously about dating.  Both of these things could happen here, but I wonder if being proactive in these steps might mean leaving?  I guess two of my main hopes/goals at the moment are to develop my skills as a teacher and to start moving toward family life.  I trust that God will provide in both of these things, but as I've said before, it's lazy to assume that God will wait on me hand and foot as I stay in one place.  

The confusing thing is, I haven't felt called anywhere else, and I still do love the work that I do here, and find it has meaning for me.  So, I feel kind of stuck.  Even though I'm only 26, the feeling of being on my way out of my 20s is intimidating and makes everything feel so... urgent... like I won't have time to do any of the cool things I want to do after I hit 30... like so many things need to happen NOW if they're going to happen at all in my life.  I know that's not true, of course... but I still worry.

I'm grateful that this has been a busy week of grading--too much time to think this week would just be frustrating and depressing.

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